I wish I could show you. It’s so difficult to show you how you make me happy. M everyday happiness is almost dependent on you. I could be happy without you I suppose but why would I ever want to be happy without you.
I want to be the reason you smile at your phone, the last thing you think about before you fall asleep, the person you rush to text ‘good morning :)’ to as soon as you wake up, the reason you get through the bad days, the person who causes your good days. I want to have the eyes that you can’t seem to stop thinking about, the hands that you can’t stop holding, the laugh that brings a smile to your face. I want to be to you what you are to me.
I don’t know why I thought I could be happy.
Now I’ll never know.
Everything that ever mattered lay right between your ears trapped inside too thick a skull.
If this fails I’ll never be the same and everything I worked so hard to get back will be gone. I know I won’t recover. I know I’m weak.
No one deserves to see me cry.
I’m so tired of dealing with stupidity.
I get so tired of trying to compete for a say in what goes on. Is it that hard to consider how what you do might affect someone else?
I scare myself on a daily basis.
I still think those bumps are there inside me and I’m really worried about my health at this point but I think it’s still dietary from eating then not eating anymore then eating and now not again. I’m scared everyday something is wrong with me because of Eric. I hate mentioning him. Am I broken? I said I’m not but do I look broken? Do I act broken? I just feel so far away and hurt and the only person who was there when I was crying and hurting was Emily and she’s gone too. Everyone’s fucking gone but you and kasey. And Dirito. She’s not gone. I don’t know how to let her in yet I guess.
I’ll figure things out. I know I will. There’s so much to do it’s like I’ll never catch a break but this is my punishment. This is my retribution and I’ll be okay.
Maybe I’ve forgotten how beautiful and amazing people can be. Maybe someone forgot to show me. But also maybe I’m just an asshole.